Lord, I Love This Child.

me: Who do you want to be like when you're big? (jokingly) Me?
Younger Son: Not you. You aren't big enough. When I'm young I'll be like you, then when I'm big I'll be like granddad or something.

This Word, I Do Not Think It Means What You Think It Means.

Older Son: Mummy, he's contradicting me!
Younger Son: (utterly indignant) NO I'M NOT!!

Size Matters.

Older Son: I'm tired.
me: Long day?
Older Son: (dramatically weak noises of assent)
Younger Son: (in a clear tone of one-up-man-ship) My day was tiny.

Like, Bad Trouble.

Older Son: No you don't get arrested just for eating another person. You're just eating.
Younger Son: You do. And it causes a lot of trouble.

You Can't See All The Bling, Either.

Younger Son (playing): We are more rich than you, it's just that you can't SEE all of our gold.

Ah, My Favourite Part.

Younger Son (playing): Now, the fighting part of the party is done! It is time for the cake and other lovely bits!

Tasty, and Convenient.

Younger Son: Mummy, you know the rolls we have in our lunches? I was thinking what if they grew on trees.
Older Son: Then they'd be sandwich trees.
Short pause for thought.
Younger Son: And I wish cheese did, too.
Older Son (gleefully): Then they'd be cheese trees!

I Think He's Onto Something There.

Older Son: I like you the best, Mama.
me (proudly): I like me too!
Older Son (laughing): You like yourself?! (pause) I bet lots of people like themselves best, actually.

When Did 5 Year Old Humour Get So Morbid?

Younger Son: Mummy, I'm going to tell you a joke.
me: Ok!
Younger Son: Why did the bag cross the road?
me: I don't know, why did the bag cross the road?
Younger Son: Because he didn't think a car was coming. (pause) But a car was coming. And it came around the corner right as he crossed the road.
me: .... ok.

And We Wore Flour Sacks To School, Too.

Older son: Mummy did you know there was a time when the internet wasn't even invented?
me: Yes darling, I was actually alive then.
Older son (utterly amazed): WOW.

Hybrids.

Older Son: I'm being a unipeg!
me: (baffled expression)
Older Son: I'm half unicorn, half pegasus!
Younger Son: I'm a pegacorn!
me: Well alright then.

Alas, I Will Never Be Cool.

Older Son: I will have a band, and I will call it 'Classic'.
Younger Son: I will call my band... 'Bananas in Pajamas'.
me: You know, you could be in a band together. And you could call it 'Classic Bananas'.
Older Son: That's very... interesting, mummy.

Sneaky And Proud.

Older Son: And (kid from school) was being mean to me and the other kids too!
me: Oh dear. And what did you do?
Older Son: I cried and asked them to stop it.
Younger Son: But I told (kid from school) that I was on their team, so they wouldn't be mean to me. I tricked them, didn't I? Hah!

He's Got A Point.

Older Son (screaming angrily): No! Even if I do something to you, doesn't mean you do it back!
Younger Son (after a brief pause for consideration): Well you shouldn't have done it in the first place, then.