Something Very Special.

Older Son: Mistletoe’s for kissing, isn’t it mummy? 
Me: Yes. 
Younger Son (loudly): WHAT ARE MISTLETOES?

Quick, Get Your Coat!

Older Son: Mummy, Mummy! I drew a dragon, and (Younger Son) found Narnia!


As it turns out, a leaflet had come through the door advertising Christmas TV with a Narnia movie. You can imagine my disappointment.

Better Watch My Wording...

Older Son (brandishing a magic wand): What would you like to be turned into?
me (absently): Nothing, thank you.
Older Son (quickly, and with a flourish): Then I shall turn you into... Thin air!!
me: Nooo!
Older Son (happily): Too late.

Spanish Is Now My Favourite.

Both Boys: Feliz Navidad! Feliz Navidad!
Younger Son: Feliz Navimummy!
Both Boys: Feliz Navimum! Feliz Navimum!

Mmm, Festive.

Older Son (watching me curl ribbons): Aha! It goes all small and wrinkly… Like an old man’s face.

Mostly.

The boys are discussing their numerous relatives...
Older Son: ... and he is our great uncle. Not a normal uncle like the others.
Younger Son: Most of our uncles are normal. Most of them.

With An Accent, Too.

Younger Son (to me): What do boys do in Germany to be naughty?
Older Son (before I can reply, and more neatly than I would have managed): They do what England boys do, just in another language.

My Soul For A Lie-In!

Lying in bed...
Older Son (resting his cheek against my left shoulder): I think it's time to get up now, mummy.
me: Are you sure?
Younger Son (resting his cheek on my right shoulder): No. Stay in bed a few more minutes.

And suddenly, all I could see was this:

Yes, this is what we look like. More or less. Although my hair is rarely this restrained first thing in the morning. But otherwise, yes.

By Its Very Nature, Toasted.

Younger Son: Mummy, is our toast toasted bread or not toasted?
me (after a pause to check whether he is serious): Toasted, darling.
Younger Son (reflectively): Oh.

I Love You, Kid, But They Might Be Right.

Older Son: The people in my class at school say that my jokes don't make sense.
me: Oh. Well I think they're funny.
Older Son (encouraged): Why was the car bonnet on the roof?
me: ... I don't know, why?
Older Son: Because the car couldn't drive.

Not Until You're At Least Twenty, Anyway.

Older Son (talking about kissing): ... but (boy classmate) and (girl classmate) kissed on the lips.
me (doing my best to be neutral): Oh?
Older Son: Yeah. Which was disgusting, because of germs. I will never kiss anyone on the lips.


Cue maternal relief...

Sounds Like A Good Yarn.

Younger Son: Can we have 'The Elephant's Child'? (by Rudyard Kipling, as a bedtime story)
me: If you're good, yes.
Younger Son: And if we're bad, we can have How the Badness got his... Badness.
me: ... yes.

Looks That Way, Yep.

The children are upstairs, arguing over tidying their room...
Older Son: He keeps distracting me!
Younger Son: You're distracting me! (pause) And you started it!
Older Son (accusing tone): Well you finished it!!

Sorry Darling, Mummy Is Clearly Deaf.

In the car...
Older Son (speaking quietly): Wendy is our real mum.
me (distracted): What?!
Older Son (repeating himself): Reindeer ARE real, mum. 
me: Ohhh.

That's How I Feel About 'Flu.

Younger Son: I am not scared of anything!
me (poised to tickle his tummy): Are you sure?
Younger Son (giggling nervously): I am not scared, I just don't want it to happen!

Well I Didn't Expect That Answer.

me: Where did you learn to be so mean?!
Older Son (matter of fact tone): Grandma.

Clear Communication.

Indecipherable argument.
Older Son: It is not fair that you get more and I get less, it isn't FAIR!
More indecipherable arguing and scuffling sounds.
Younger Son: I AM VERY UPSET ABOUT THIS!

The New Ferrari Armchair.

*bang*
Older Son: Don't!
Younger Son (in a matter of fact tone): Get out of my Ferrari then.

And The Truth Comes Out.

The boys asked me what I had written on the blog this week, so I read a couple of entries aloud to them, including this one...
Older Son: But wolves don't even live in this country!
me: I know, that's what makes it...
Younger Son (interrupts in a super secret whisper, with a grin): I didn't really see a fox, Mummy.
me: You don't say.

Can You Hear Me Now?!

I am trying to answer a question Younger Son posed, while he crawls around on the floor making a lot of noise...

me: You're not even listening, are you?

Younger Son (pausing in his chanting): I CAN HARDLY HEAR YOU, SPEAK UP!

I Don't Remember Her Being This Awesome.

Younger Son: Sleeping Beauty has a pirate hat. She stoled it from a burglar.

And I So Nearly Believed.

In the car...
Older Son: Younger Son saw a fox!
me (excited): Really?
Younger Son: Yes! And I saw a wolf!

Malpractice Much?

Older Son: I'm ill! My chest hurts! Are you a doctor?
Younger Son (proudly): Yes. Don't worry. (pause) What's a chest?

What's The Opposite Of Beard?

Older Son: Mummy, wouldn't it be silly if babies were born with beards, and grown ups had... (long pause for consideration) ... no beards? That would be silly!

All Excellent Points.

Older Son: What's better than sweeties?
me: What?
Older Son: Mummy! 
me: (startled/pleased silence)
Older Son: Because sweeties are nice but they won't kiss you or hug you or play silly games with you, or read you a story or tuck you in.

It's Funny Because It's True.

In the car...
me: Is Younger Son awake?
Older Son: Yes.
Younger Son (audibly removing thumb from mouth): I'm wide, but I'm not awake.

I See What You Did There.

Me: Eat your grapes before we go into the house, please.
Older Son: Why?
Me: Because we’ve got a lot to carry and you need both hands.
Older Son: Like what?
Me: Your school bags and coats and things.
Older Son: And a grape!

Pretty Sure He Would Have Laughed, Too.

Talking about great grandad, who recently passed away...
Older Son: There was grandma there, and great grandma, but no great grandad.
me: No, no more great grandad.
Younger Son: No, we've had enough of great grandad now.
me: (laughing because of the interesting wording)
Older Son (thoughtfully): That is quite rude.

Pipistrelle or Vampire?

me (serving dinner): How hungry are you, boys?
Younger Son (loudly): I'm as hungry as... a BAT!

Oh, Boys.

Younger Son (running outside with a piece of string): Look at my long piece of string!
Older Son (without looking up from his game): Mine is longer.

He's Quite Literal.

After 10 minutes or so of bickering...


Younger son: Don't push me!
Older son: Don't push ME!
me (fed up, under my breath): Don't push me 'cause I'm close to the edge...
Younger son (perching precariously on the sofa): No I'M close to the edge, stop pushing me!

I Suppose 'None' Is Too Much To Hope For?

Younger Son (at breakfast, when we are running late for school): Mummy? Guess how much weetabix I have dropped on my trousers.

The New Benchmark for Awesome Motoring.

Older son: Mummy look! Mummy look! We went past a Porsche! It had red in the wheels and was black all over and was too low to go over speedbumps! Awesome!

*sigh*

Older son: Yay, Creek yogurt for pudding!
me: Actually it's Greek, with a G. 
Older son: No, it's Creek with a C.
me: (tiny sigh)
Younger son: NO! GREEK!
(loud and lengthy debate ensues)
Older son (extremely patronising tone): I KNOW it's Greek, mummy, I'm just being SILLY.

They Certainly Are.

Older Son: (lengthy explanation of how the food trolleys work on planes based on his one experience of it 2 years ago.) (pause) Planes are quite fancy.

Adventurous Youth.

Older Son asked me about eating raw fish, so I explained the concept of sushi to him, and told both boys when they were older I'd take them to try it.


Younger Son: What other things will they have on the menu?
me: Well, probably rice and vegetabley things...
Younger Son: I will have those.


Older Son: When we are there, I will ask about if they do a pasty.
me: A pasty?
Older Son: Yes.
me: I think if you cooked sushi in a pasty it wouldn't be sushi any more.
Older Son (exasperated): No! I mean a beef pasty. With sushi.

Introducing Little L.

Little L is the almost-2-year-old daughter of a dear friend. She's just begun being able to hold her own in conversation with the boys. Today she was visiting, and dropped a handful of crayons on the floor...


me: Oh dear! Are you going to pick those up again?
Little L: No. You do it.
me: (laughter)
Older Son (pipes up from across the room): She's much more fun now she can talk.

Wise Beyond His Years.

Older Son: When we were camping we fed geese. Geese always have a leader. (pause) When it comes to geese, there's always a leader.
Younger Son (quietly to himself): When it comes to people, there's always a leader.

I Myself Have Often Had Similar Thoughts.

me: What is your brother yelling about?
Older Son: Oh he wants to show me something, but I think it will be boring and so I'm not going.

My Son, The Spirit of Generosity.

Younger Son (enthusing over a friend who sent us a gift): (Friend) is awesome, isn't he mummy? Let's give him all our Christmas presents. When they're old. Shall we do that? Because he's awesome?

Heeere, Piggy Piggy Piggy.

After I scrape my short hair into a ponytail of sorts...
me: Do I have a little bobble on the back of my head?
Older Son: Yes. It's a piggytail. (pause) I like pigs.
me: (laughter)
Older Son: Oh! I wasn't calling you a piggy! I just like pigs!

But I Thought You Loved Your Brother...

Older Son: Five children is a lot to look after, isn't it mummy? I think five children would be too many.
me: Mm. What do you think would be the best number then?
Older Son (after a moment's consideration, and happily): Two!
Younger Son (loudly and abruptly): One.

Pretty Sure He Is, Yep.

Younger Son (after Older Son runs shrieking to the toilet): Is he really your child?

Ah, But It Could Have Been Worse.

Older Son (after nearly choking on his dinner, and then nearly throwing up the rest. In a calm voice.): Oh! Oh. That was terrible.

Case Closed.

me: Did you just fart at me?
Younger Son (slowly picking up a toy): "I just did a fart," says Mister Badger. "It was not the giant, it was me."

How Rude.

Younger Son (chanting): My name is little daddy and I got a big fat bum!
Older Son (from the other room, matter of fact tone): Yeah, daddy has got a big fat bum. Definitely.

Oh Does It!

Younger Son (after refusing to tidy up all afternoon): Mummy, when you say things to me it makes me tired. Really tired.

Take It Away!

Younger Son (attempting to elicit a reaction from me, singing): Old McMummy had a bum, and she... had... a bum!
Older Son (whispering to Younger Son): Nooo don't always blame it on her. (pause) Blame it on daddy.
Younger Son (with renewed vigour): Old McDaddy had a bum...!

Taking It To The Next Level.

Older Son (singing along to Message in a Bottle): I'm sending out an SOS, I'm sending out an SOS. (pause) My SOS is in the street, my SOS is in the street.

Um...

Older Son (playing a game): We're going to the cinema. To watch Yogi Bear!
Younger Son: What will the girls watch?
Older Son: Oh, girly things. Like Dexter...

Really Depends On How You Measure Them.

Younger Son (to grandmother at the table): Granny, can I have a drink please?
Granny: Yes, in a minute. 
Time passes… 
Younger Son: Granny? How many hours are there in a minute?

Well Nobody Likes That.

When asked why he felt it necessary to wake his brother early this morning...
Older Son: I wanted to go downstairs but if (Younger Son) woke up after me and came down and made a noise around the corner I would get a shock. (pause) And I do not like to get a shock.

Oops.

Older Son: Does ‘mess’ start with an ‘s’?
me: No, an ‘m’.
Older Son (laughing): Does ‘tidy’ start with a ‘y’?
me (slightly suspicious): No, a ‘t’.
Older Son (in his cheekiest tone): Does ‘biscuit’ start with a ‘nic’?
me: No.
Older Son: Does ‘lorry’ start with an ‘r’?
me (exasperated): Yes.
Older Son (in completely serious tone): See, sometimes I get it right -first time-.

Ah, l'amour.

Older Son: I’m going to marry L(a girl in his class). 
Me: Have you spoken to her about this? 
Older Son: No. 
Me: Are you going to? 
Older Son (bemused tone): No.

Interesting Choice of Spouse.

Younger Son (during conversation in which Older Son states he will marry a female classmate when he grows up): When I am big I can have a wife, and that wife will be… Daddy.

Oh, I Do Beg Your Pardon Sir.

Me (upon seeing that Younger Son isn’t dressed yet): You’re all naked! 
Younger Son: I know. (pause, then running away) I’M NOT NAKED I’VE GOT MY SOCKS ON!!

Such A Friendship Could Never Last...

During a conversation about Dr Seuss's Green Eggs and Ham...
Older Son: You should only eat green eggs and ham at the table, shouldn't you Mummy?
me: Mm.
Older Son: You should not eat them in a box, you should not eat them with a fox. You should not eat them in a house, you should not eat them with a mouse.
Younger Son (interrupting): Yes, yes, in a house! At the table!
Older Son: Oh, yes.
me: With a mouse?
Older Son: No.
Younger Son: Jinx (our cat) would like them with a mouse.
(pause as we all consider)
Older Son: Yes. Jinx would eat the green eggs and ham. And then the mouse.

Too Little, Too Late?

During a game in which Older Son is 'eaten'...
Younger Son (having vanquished the monster): ... and if you ever get eaten again, call me. Ok?

Can't Argue With That Logic.

Me: Are you feeling better today? 
Younger Son: Yes, feel me!

Pennies, Perhaps? Or A Marble?

Older Son: Mummy? Can you one day take a picture of your ear, and make a website? Www what's up my ear .com?

A Herrible Hoff-... A Horrible Heff-... Heffalump!

Younger Son: Granny’s going to get us a heffalump! 
Older Son (concerned): Is she?

The Horror!

After a trip to ‘Dinosaur World’, Older Son gets out of bed during the night…

Older Son: Mummy I can’t stop thinking about the dinosaurs coming to eat me.
me: (explanation of dinosaur extinction)
Older Son: Yes I know, but they keep coming in my head.
me: Oh. Well, when they come in your head you just look hard at them and poof them into fluffy pink rabbits, ok? And then watch the looks on their faces.
Older Son (giggling): Ok.

15 minutes later…

Older Son (from the top of the stairs, in an even more frightened voice): Mummy… I did what you said but they turned into half bunny, half dinosaurs.

Macho Macho Man.

Talking manly accessories as opposed to girly ones. 
Older Son: I would like a very smart ring, with a man on it. With a suit on. And an awesome hat. (pause to consider) And a horse.

Wonderland, Here I Come.

Older Son: Daddy wouldn't even fit in a rabbit hole. 
Me: Why's that then?
Older Son: Because he's big and fat and round!
Me: (smothered laughter) Oh, I see. 
Older Son: You are thin and not fat and tall, mummy. You would fit in a rabbit hole. So would I.

I Always Wondered What People Did In Offices.

Younger Son (playing at ‘work’ in the other room, into a wooden block serving as a mobile phone): HELLO? HELLO! I’M JUST AT WORK. DESKING. BYE!

The Blind Leading The Blind.

Older Son (to younger son, in a smug, knowing tone): Do you know how to spell ‘peace’? 
Younger Son (blissfully ignorant): No. 
Older Son (sounding out the letters): It’s pee… sss.

That Settles That, Then.

Older Son: Granny’s not a sewing lady, is she?
Me: No, not generally.
Older Son (in a decisive tone): She’s not a lady at ALL, mummy.

[facepalm]

Both sons together: Mummy, what’s ‘allergic’? 
Me: [lengthy explanation] 
Younger Son: (Older Son) is allergic to pink, mummy.

Definitions.

Older son: What’s an enemy, Mummy?

Me: Hmm. Well, it’s sort of somebody you don’t like and who doesn’t like you.

Older son: Oh.

Younger Son (in an authoritative tone): NO, an enemy is a sort of purple thing.