I Love You, Kid, But They Might Be Right.

Older Son: The people in my class at school say that my jokes don't make sense.
me: Oh. Well I think they're funny.
Older Son (encouraged): Why was the car bonnet on the roof?
me: ... I don't know, why?
Older Son: Because the car couldn't drive.

Not Until You're At Least Twenty, Anyway.

Older Son (talking about kissing): ... but (boy classmate) and (girl classmate) kissed on the lips.
me (doing my best to be neutral): Oh?
Older Son: Yeah. Which was disgusting, because of germs. I will never kiss anyone on the lips.


Cue maternal relief...

Sounds Like A Good Yarn.

Younger Son: Can we have 'The Elephant's Child'? (by Rudyard Kipling, as a bedtime story)
me: If you're good, yes.
Younger Son: And if we're bad, we can have How the Badness got his... Badness.
me: ... yes.

Looks That Way, Yep.

The children are upstairs, arguing over tidying their room...
Older Son: He keeps distracting me!
Younger Son: You're distracting me! (pause) And you started it!
Older Son (accusing tone): Well you finished it!!

Sorry Darling, Mummy Is Clearly Deaf.

In the car...
Older Son (speaking quietly): Wendy is our real mum.
me (distracted): What?!
Older Son (repeating himself): Reindeer ARE real, mum. 
me: Ohhh.

That's How I Feel About 'Flu.

Younger Son: I am not scared of anything!
me (poised to tickle his tummy): Are you sure?
Younger Son (giggling nervously): I am not scared, I just don't want it to happen!

Well I Didn't Expect That Answer.

me: Where did you learn to be so mean?!
Older Son (matter of fact tone): Grandma.

Clear Communication.

Indecipherable argument.
Older Son: It is not fair that you get more and I get less, it isn't FAIR!
More indecipherable arguing and scuffling sounds.
Younger Son: I AM VERY UPSET ABOUT THIS!

The New Ferrari Armchair.

*bang*
Older Son: Don't!
Younger Son (in a matter of fact tone): Get out of my Ferrari then.

And The Truth Comes Out.

The boys asked me what I had written on the blog this week, so I read a couple of entries aloud to them, including this one...
Older Son: But wolves don't even live in this country!
me: I know, that's what makes it...
Younger Son (interrupts in a super secret whisper, with a grin): I didn't really see a fox, Mummy.
me: You don't say.

Can You Hear Me Now?!

I am trying to answer a question Younger Son posed, while he crawls around on the floor making a lot of noise...

me: You're not even listening, are you?

Younger Son (pausing in his chanting): I CAN HARDLY HEAR YOU, SPEAK UP!

I Don't Remember Her Being This Awesome.

Younger Son: Sleeping Beauty has a pirate hat. She stoled it from a burglar.

And I So Nearly Believed.

In the car...
Older Son: Younger Son saw a fox!
me (excited): Really?
Younger Son: Yes! And I saw a wolf!

Malpractice Much?

Older Son: I'm ill! My chest hurts! Are you a doctor?
Younger Son (proudly): Yes. Don't worry. (pause) What's a chest?

What's The Opposite Of Beard?

Older Son: Mummy, wouldn't it be silly if babies were born with beards, and grown ups had... (long pause for consideration) ... no beards? That would be silly!

All Excellent Points.

Older Son: What's better than sweeties?
me: What?
Older Son: Mummy! 
me: (startled/pleased silence)
Older Son: Because sweeties are nice but they won't kiss you or hug you or play silly games with you, or read you a story or tuck you in.

It's Funny Because It's True.

In the car...
me: Is Younger Son awake?
Older Son: Yes.
Younger Son (audibly removing thumb from mouth): I'm wide, but I'm not awake.

I See What You Did There.

Me: Eat your grapes before we go into the house, please.
Older Son: Why?
Me: Because we’ve got a lot to carry and you need both hands.
Older Son: Like what?
Me: Your school bags and coats and things.
Older Son: And a grape!